How to Make Money on Shopify: A Guide for the Struggling, the Cynical, and the Pessimist

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Let me tell you a story. It’s a tale of triumph, struggle, and making bank on Shopify. And it all starts with a guy named Bob. No, not Bob the Builder—Bob the Entrepreneur.

Bob was a down-on-his-luck chap who was struggling to find meaning in life. He tried everything from beekeeping to nude yoga, but nothing satisfied his craving for success. That is until he stumbled upon the mystical land of Shopify.

You see, Bob had a dream. A dream involved creating an online store to shower him with riches beyond his wildest imagination. And so, with nothing but his laptop, a mediocre Wi-Fi connection, and an unquenchable thirst for success, Bob embarked on a journey to conquer the e-commerce world.

But how did he do it, you ask? Well, gather ’round, my fellow aspiring entrepreneurs, as I reveal the secrets to how to make money on Shopify, served up with a side of wit, charm, and an unhealthy dose of sarcasm.

How To Make Money On Shopify: A Guide For The Struggling, The Cynical, And The Pessimist How To Make Money On Shopify
How to make money on Shopify

How to make money on Shopify:

Let’s face it, folks. The world is filled with enough crap that people don’t need. And yet, here we are, creating more. So, if you’re going to peddle more stuff, at least make it something people want, need, or can’t live without. That’s where choosing your niche comes in.

As the great philosopher Socrates once said, “Know thyself.” And by that, he meant, “Know what the hell you’re going to sell on Shopify.”

You might be tempted to sell everything under the sun, but remember another famous quote: “Jack of all trades, master of none.” Don’t be a Jack, my friends. Find your niche, and own it like the rock star you are.

Create a Killer Brand (Or Be Doomed to a Life of Mediocrity)

Once upon a time, a store sold the most incredible socks known to humankind. They were colourful and comfy and could even improve your salsa dancing skills (allegedly). But, alas, the store had a terrible name: “Socks & Schlocks.” And so, despite the socks’ magical qualities, the store fell into obscurity.

Moral of the story? Your brand matters. A lot. Invest the time and effort into crafting a memorable, engaging brand that screams “BUY ME!” like a caffeinated toddler in a toy store.

Build a Store That Doesn’t Suck (Or Watch Your Visitors Flee in Terror)

We’ve all been there. You stumble upon a website that looks like a blindfolded hamster designed it, and you can’t click away fast enough. Don’t be that website. Build a Shopify store that’s visually appealing, user-friendly, and doesn’t make people question your sanity.

“But how do I build a website that doesn’t suck?” you ask. Fear not, my friends. Shopify has many beautiful themes that will tear your eye (or at least make you think, “Hey, that looks pretty good!”).

Find Products That Don’t Make People Go “Meh”

Do you remember the last time you bought something and thought, “Wow, this is the most incredible, life-changing product I’ve ever purchased”? Probably not. But that’s precisely the kind of reaction you want from your customers.

Find unique, high-quality products, and make people feel like they’ve just discovered the holy grail of online shopping. And if you’re not sure where to find such mythical products, you can always turn to the magical land of dropshipping, where dreams (and nightmares) come true.

Master the Dark Arts of Marketing (Or Be Prepared to Drown in a Sea of Obscurity)

So, you’ve got your niche, brand, store, and products. Now what? Well, my dear e-commerce warriors, it’s time to conquer the marketing


You could have the most fabulous store in the universe, but if nobody knows it exists, you might as well be selling invisible unicorns. And while I’m sure there’s a niche for that, it’s probably not very lucrative.

To avoid a life of obscurity, you must learn the dark arts of marketing, including but not limited to:

  • Social media sorcery
  • Email marketing enchantments
  • Google Ads alchemy
  • Influencer collaborations conjurations
  • SEO spells

Arm yourself with these powerful marketing weapons, and watch your store rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

Frequently Asked Questions:

In the spirit of helping you become the next e-commerce tycoon, here’s a handy-dandy FAQ to answer your burning questions about making money on Shopify.

How much money can I make on Shopify?

The answer is as vast as the universe itself. You could make a few extra bucks to fund your avocado toast addiction or rake in millions and buy your own private island. It all depends on your dedication, strategy, and ability to sell those sweet invisible unicorns.

How long does it take to start making money on Shopify?

Well, my impatient friend, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Building a successful Shopify store takes time, effort, and a healthy dose of trial and error. Some stores might start seeing profits within a few months, while others might take a year or more.

The key is to stay persistent, keep learning, and never give up on your dreams (unless your dream is to become a professional kazoo player, in which case, please reconsider).

Do I need a lot of money to start a Shopify store?

Fortunately, you don’t need to be a trust fund baby to start your Shopify empire. With basic Shopify plans starting at $29 per month, and a variety of free and affordable themes and apps, it’s entirely possible to launch your store on a budget.

That being said, don’t forget to allocate some funds for marketing, as even the best store in the world won’t make money if nobody knows it exists.

How do I handle taxes and legal stuff for my Shopify store?

Ah, taxes—the bane of every entrepreneur’s existence. While I could dive into a thrilling discussion about sales tax, VAT, and business registration, I’ll spare you the agony. Instead, I highly recommend consulting with a tax professional or an accountant to ensure you’re on the right side of the law and not accidentally becoming a tax-evading supervillain.

In Conclusion: How to Make Money on Shopify, or How Bob Became an E-commerce Legend

So, there you have it—the ultimate guide to making money on Shopify, filled with humour, anecdotes, and more sarcasm than you can shake a stick at. But what happened to our dear friend Bob, you ask?

Well, after following these steps, Bob’s store soared to new heights. He became an e-commerce legend, amassing a fortune to make Jeff Bezos blush. He bought a private island, started a charity for aspiring entrepreneurs, and even launched a line of invisible unicorns (true story).

Now, my friends, it’s your turn to follow in Bob’s footsteps. Embrace your inner entrepreneur, conquer the world of Shopify, and remember: if Bob can do it, so can you.

So grab your laptop, get to work, and make those sweet, sweet Shopify dollars. And when you’ve made your first million, don’t forget to send me a postcard from your private island.

Konger Avatar
1 year ago

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